Why Is It So Hard to Keep Distance?

With someone who has BPD, you can expect anything except one thing: that they will change overnight.

After thinking about it for a long time, I realized that the real problem is us we deceive and delude ourselves.

When we leave a relationship with someone with BPD, the first few days after the breakup, we feel good, at peace, and free. But as time passes, strange thoughts start creeping in. We feel the urge to call them, to check on them, to know how they are doing. We almost feel guilty for not supporting them, for not letting them know how much we love them and how much we miss them. I asked myself, why does this happen?

The problem is that our subconscious has been “trained” by our BPD partner to worry about them, to put them first, to see them as struggling individuals, as victims who need to be saved. So, as the days go by, we miss them and think, they are suffering, they need help, they don’t know how to cope, they just need to hear how much I love them.

The sad reality is that our brain is working against us.

Speaking for myself, I am someone who is very decisive in life. I cut ties quickly and have no problem walking away from people who hurt me. But when it comes to people like this, I tend to be less strict. Deep down, I see them as children who never grew up, and I feel tenderness toward them. It’s not a conscious thought—it happens on a subconscious level. I become more permissive and treat them as if I were their parent.

To some extent, it’s true they are emotionally underdeveloped. But at the same time, they are fully aware of what they do to others. Many times, they have the chance to change, yet they don’t, and they continue to hurt everyone around them.

On a practical level, to stop myself from texting or replying to their messages, I write down what I would like to say and then imagine the possible responses they would give. Often, I end up tearing up the paper because I know the conversation would lead nowhere.

Unfortunately, people don’t change overnight it takes years, therapy, and commitment.