Struggling with feeling emotionally overwhelmed chronically

Hey everyone,

I'm writing this today because I'm facing a tremendous amount of emotional pain—I think grief is the most accurate word, though I'm not entirely sure.

Generally, at this stage in my life, I'd say I've really embraced myself. I've become (at least outwardly) much more self-assured and confident. People tell me I'm popular, funny, and charismatic, which is more than I'd previously believed. Due to my broken computer (RIP gaming), I've been significantly pursuing my art—mostly visual art and my TTRPG projects, but recently extending to music, lyrics, and poetry as well. I'm very proud of this, and my visual art skills have noticeably improved, likely thanks to the confidence boost. Unfortunately, despite these positive developments, my emotional and mental state feels increasingly volatile.

Almost daily, I experience deep mental pain and anguish. I've had multiple moments where I needed to excuse myself from normal situations because I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown or trapped in severe anxiety and panic. Recently, at work, I nearly escalated a harmless situation by alerting my boss to have his 'finger on the trigger' to call the police, despite no real threat.

I've been frequently visiting my local park late at night, mostly spending my time there crying and feeling overwhelmed. Maintaining relationships is becoming increasingly difficult. My feelings towards people fluctuate intensely—from love to hate and everywhere in between—sometimes simultaneously. Staying composed is incredibly challenging. Compounding this, I often feel like an emotional sponge, quickly absorbing and sensing others' emotions (or at least I think I do). Many of my housemates struggle emotionally and often seek my advice or validation, probably because I'm generally good at providing it. However, I'm terrified I'll snap and slip into mania or psychosis again, as I previously had a hospital admission for psychosis a few years ago.

I previously attended trauma therapy briefly for CSA and COCSA, which did help, but I no longer have access to those services. Currently, I've lost all my social support services, including my psychosocial support worker. My anger has also intensified significantly—I have little patience for rude individuals who push boundaries. I appreciate that I stand up for myself and others, but my anger, particularly toward my family, feels overwhelming. I sometimes feel guilty about not speaking to my older brother who has moved interstate. Despite missing him deeply, our worldviews are vastly different, and I'm afraid I'd lose control if we spoke.

My housemates share similar emotional struggles, and I'd like to confide in them more, but conversations about mental health often lead to misunderstandings or comparisons of trauma, which makes me hesitant to share. Despite being encouraged to open up, I usually only briefly share relevant details. Trust and openness are very challenging for me.

I deeply desire a relationship and being in love, but I'm unsure if these feelings are authentic. I'd love to hug or hold someone; however, even slight physical contact from someone I trust can trigger a panic or defensive reaction in my entire body. This makes me feel insane, and I end up keeping people at a distance, worried I'll scare or push them away.

This is my first post in this community (I'm using an alt account). I really appreciate this subreddit and often read posts here.

If anyone could offer support or guidance, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.