Separation Day Three and I’m a complete mess

On Saturday morning, I asked my husband to get out of bed, pack a bag, and leave. I am in love with him - I love him more than the day I married him. We have a lovely life with our toddler. We genuinely like each other - share the same interests, never run out of topics to discuss or silly jokes to laugh at. We are considerate and affectionate with each other.

But my husband has a side that he hides from me. He is a sex addict. He engages with sex workers, online and as of this spring, in person. He hides his activity, lies about it, and gaslights me when I can tell something is off.

We went through an almost 2 year CSAT program, he started going to SAA meeting weekly, and everything seemed to be fine. I’ll spare you the details, but he had a spectacular and escalated relapse this spring, followed by months of lies. We paid many thousands of dollars to send him to a 30-day residential addiction treatment center. As part of the program I had to establish specific boundaries, one of which was if he relapsed into the addiction behavior, our marriage was over. He came back on 10/18, talking the talk. But a week later, he’s acting strange and I look at his phone to find messages with sex workers - started less than a week back from treatment.

So I did what I said I would, I told him to leave. I made an appointment with an attorney to draw up a separation agreement (we have to be legally separated for a year before we can divorce). And I’m spinning. I’m not mad at him (I wish I was). I’m desperately sad. I love him, he’s my best friend, my partner, and the father of our beautiful daughter.

I did what I said I would do, but I’m falling to pieces. I miss my friend, the man I love. My daughter is sad. It’s day three and I’m just spinning - I can’t even get a grasp on what’s happening. I so believed the residential treatment would help him get control of this addiction. But a week after celebrating his return, he’s gone again.

Can someone please give me some tips on how to get though this - how to be separate when I’m terribly in love with the man I told to leave? I can’t breathe, I’m so desperately sad.

EDITING TO ADD: Thank you all for your advice and support - it has helped tonight and will help as I reread comments in the days to come. To those saying that the man I love doesn’t exist, and is just an illusion. I hear you, and I understand where you are coming from. But the man I love is a kind, tender-hearted, funny, smart, beautiful man, with an addiction that he hasn’t gotten under control, and has developed as a tremendously bad coping mechanism for dealing with his own trauma. He is flawed, and he’s made hurtful decisions. I love him anyway. Though I can’t continue to allow me and my daughter to live in the same environment as his addiction.