Going from being sure to unsure

TW: CSA

I have recently recovered some repressed memories of being sexually abused as a child. Some were both visual and auditory flashbacks and some were more physical ones. And I have suspected that I was sexually abused for about a year or so now. I have done EMDR and CBT therapy, and got to a point where I had a feeling and also a gap in my memory (from ages 4-7), but I wasn’t remembering anything, so I gave up for a couple months.

Once I gave up, my brain slowly started to recover stuff. But I really struggle with being in denial and gaslighting myself into believing I’m being dramatic or am making stuff up (even more so when I did EMDR and got nothing). Also, the memories I do have are super fragmented and the only strong signs I have are physical symptoms and some characteristics as a child. However, I had a couple flashbacks and realizations recently, and was quite sure that I faced CSA and who the abuser was. But now, I’m back to feeling unsure and am scared I’m saying something horrible happened to me, when it didn’t.

I guess I’m basically venting about the fact that I have had this unshakeable feeling that I experienced CSA when I was little, but I don’t have full memories. Because of this, I keep falling into this cycle of having a flashback or trigger that makes me feel more sure of my experience and then that initial realization fading, leaving me feeling unsure.

Does anyone else experience this? Has anyone overcame this feeling/cycle?