i murdered my best friend.

(Used translator since english is not my first language) Guys, I don’t even know how to start this. My life is a mess, I think about this all day long, but here we go—I need to get this off my chest, it’s probably the best thing I can do right now. If this post is hard to understand, I’m sorry, I’m writing this in a rush and feeling anxious, but let’s get straight to the point.

It was around 8 PM. I was with my best friend (I’ll call him Luan instead of his real name in this confession for obvious reasons), my forever best friend, in the empty lot behind the school court. We always went there after school, played soccer, talked nonsense, and all that… But that day, we found a revolver. No idea whose it was, probably some dealer left it there, I don’t know, but at the time, I thought it was fake. A replica? I picked up the thing and started messing with it, pretending to be a thug and all, while Luan was laughing, telling me to stop being an idiot. Then he tried to grab it from me, we started playfully pushing each other, and it just happened out of nowhere.

I only heard the noise and saw him falling backward. It was surreal. I kept lying to myself, thinking it was just my imagination. I froze, standing there, my heart pounding in my throat, waiting for him to miraculously get up—but he didn’t. I started crying, shaking him, calling his name, and nothing. What was I supposed to do? Tell someone? Imagine the shitstorm that would come my way. I looked around and had one of the worst ideas of my life: hide him.

There was this spot near the court (I’m obviously not saying where) with a lot of dirt and bushes. I went there and started digging like a madman, covered in blood and dirt. I put him in the hole, threw dirt and some leaves on top, and ran home. I washed my hands for almost an hour and burned my clothes in the backyard. I killed my best friend. Not on purpose, but I did. And now he’s there, under the ground by the court, while I pretend nothing happened EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m thinking about turning myself in or doing something to myself because this pain is unbearable. It’s been months already, but I still remember literally everything. Every day I wake up and pretend it was just a nightmare. But it wasn’t. I remember Luan, the sound, the hole in the ground, and boom—my day is ruined before it even starts.

I tried to move on, you know? Go to school, play soccer, pretend everything’s fine. But it’s not. It never is. Every time someone talks about him, I freeze. Every time I see a place we used to go together, I feel like throwing up or doing something stupid. People asked me what happened between us, and I just made something up, said he just stopped replying to me on WhatsApp.

I look in the mirror and think: how could I have done something this stupid? I feel like beating myself up until I black out, until I forget who I am. But there’s no running from this—it always comes back. And the worst part? No one suspects a thing. No one knows what I did. There were searches, posters, his family and friends crying, and I was just standing there, silent, watching it all happen.

Luan’s dad was desperate, posting about his disappearance on Instagram, Facebook, everywhere, saying he just wanted his son back. And I knew exactly where he was.

Sometimes I dream about him. In the dream, he’s covered in dirt, just looking at me, not saying anything, just standing there. I wake up sweating, my heart racing. And then the night turns into hell because if I close my eyes, I see him. And if I’m awake, I think about him.

I wish I could tell someone, get this weight off my chest. But if I do, it’s over, you get me? It’s over for me, my family, my friends, for everyone. So I just stay quiet, waiting for karma, for punishment, because that’s literally the only thing I deserve. I’ll never recover from this or forgive myself.

Anyway, this is my confession. Obviously, I left out some details. I still don’t know what to do—turn myself in or just keep going. I want to know what you guys think, what I should do. Sorry for the long text. Good night.