My struggle with cannabis

I've smoked cannabis since I was 18 (I'm now 38). I had to stop smoking 5 year ago as a spirometry test showed i had COPD so I'm now using edibles.

I've quit weed many times in my life because after so long of using it, it impacts my life. I am addicted to it. I go 6 months without it then I start again because I get to a point when I'm sober that I feel I'm better off with it then a few month later I feel I'm better off without it so it's just a massive circle of quitting and starting again.

When I'm on it, I genuinely feel happier. I play with my daughter lots and I joke about. I feel like i engage with my family more when I'm on it. I also don't care about a lot of things, not much gets to me and stress isn't a problem. The negatives of being on it are the addiction side which is having it every single day and the days I'm not at work ill have it all day. Also it makes me eat absolute rubbish foods and I gain lots of weight and at night ill sometimes fall asleep early leaving my partner watching the movie or whatever on her own that we started.

When I'm not on it, it takes at least a month to get through the depression and digestive issues then i start to feel better and kinda happy but I look forward to weekends where ill drink alcohol and binge it heavily to feel "high". I do function better sober and think better sober. But things get to be easily and I get angry easily sometimes. I don't seem to interact with my child as much as I do when I'm high and feel i can't be bothered at times which upsets me. I do get bored easily when sober and feel like my partner doesn't bother with me much (although she does).

I feel it's a battle of good and bad on both sides and I'm constantly going back and forth for months either sober or high. I know being sober is probably the best way but I ALWAYS go back no matter what, it's like weed is part of me. I get that weed is probably my go to escape reality and I probably have a addictive personality.

I'm 4 months sober and I'm thinking about starting the edibles again. My mind keeps telling me that the positives (happiness, sleep without nightmares every night, no stress and engaging with family) is worth it.