Undiagnosed - unmedicated, I don’t know what to do at this point.

Tw: 1 mention of coercion.

To start f18, I want to say I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2020. I was medicated a short period because my depression was severe.

I moved in with my grandma during my virtual senior year 2024 because it helped with my anxiety and me and my mother never got along. It’s been a year and I haven’t been able to get healthcare since moving, we are trying and hopefully will have luck this month but it has gotten to a point.

Sometimes at work I zone out, it’s better than having an anxiety attack in the middle of my shift, but even at work I’m trapped in my thoughts. I freeze up and I want to crawl under the table. I have to go in the freezer to calm myself and stop myself from just exploding in front of everyone. It’s no better at home because I know I don’t have to conserve myself for anyone.

I rain checked on a date because I had a meltdown, I was so excited. I’ve felt so wrong and bad since then. I feel terrible, mostly because this is starting to affect my relationship. He agreed on rescheduling because he said he didn’t want me to stress over getting ready, but I still feel scared for the next hangout.

It’s easier being miserable when it’s just me. He wants me to talk to him about my anxiety/problems when it comes, but he doesn’t like what goes on inside my head. I understand that because even I don’t like it, which is why I’m constantly bothered.

I hate my thoughts and my mind is like a prison, talking to him is just putting him there with me. I don’t want us to fail, I don’t like thinking this way. when I get the thoughts I cry to myself and hyperventilate, it’s torture not being able to speak to anyone about it. I’m so lonely and I can’t let this ruin my first healthy relationship. It’s been so hard in them, since being coerced throughout all of my first sexual relationship at 16. Ive pushed through these breakdowns and moments for years just waiting to get help, I don’t want to ruin something that’s finally going good.