I fucked up

Wife had bottom surgery last week. Things were going fine. Got discharged two days ago and we were thrilled to be out of the hospital. I was so ready to have some sense of normal, even though we’re in a hotel, hundreds of miles from home.

Maybe I’m just willfully ignorant but I didn’t understand the intensity of her post op needs, particularly the dilation schedule. I didn’t realize my MiL would be staying in the same small hotel room for several days. I didn’t realize I was going to have even less privacy than in the hospital.

I knew what it was going to be like. I read everything the surgeon gave us, several times over. But reading and understanding is not living it and last night I snapped.

I told her I’m sick of her needs always being more important than mine. She said I was childish. I screamed “fuck you” and I walked away. I just aimlessly walked around outside until I eventually went back and we fought and cried and eventually made up but I feel awful.

There’s so many more layers to this as there always are. There’s years of frustration and resentment underneath. There’s lack of sleep. There’s pain from surgery. I’ve painted such a simple picture here.

I understand her needs HAVE to be more important than mine right now. Intellectually I understand that.

But yesterday I broke. And all the rational thought went out the window.

Up until this happened, I was planning on writing a post about how this whole experience was tough but we were actually feeling closer than we had in a while. But now, with all the anger that exploded from me, I feel like none of that was real.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Grace? Some space? Someone to tell me I’m a terrible person?

Edit/Update: thank you everyone for your feedback and kind words. I don’t want to address each comment because I’m exhausted but I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give suggestions and remind me that I need to fill my cup first.