Bleeding/spotting at 8.5 weeks...

Edit: baby is fine, I'm still bleeding but there's nothing abnormal showing up... per the ultrasound from an hour about...

In reality, I think everything is ok. But in my mind.. there is a full scale panic war happening bc I woke up with bright red and dark brown blood in my underwear (like enough to make a panty liner wet but not full) and have had a tiny amount of blood when I wipe every time I pee today.

Add to that I got test results back that make me think I have a UTI which makes sense bc I have left side kidney pain intermittently.

I'm going in tomorrow for a check after talking to the nurse this morning about the bleeding... So I'll get to talk to the doc about the test results then too.

In the meantime... I've got 16 more hours to sit here and obsess over little pink and red streaks and the 4 drops of blood on the pad I've been wearing today.

I'm not cramping, I'm not bleeding heavy... But I'm not sure what's going on.

And I'm honestly shook right now bc I've been telling myself for 5 weeks now that this pregnancy can go either way and that's ok bc it's completely unplanned... But seeing the blood this morning... I was forced to admit how very much I want this baby and the thought that this won't work out has me forcing back tears because I cannot cry in front of my child... We have purposely kept this from her waiting on genetic and NT results.

Which is also flipping me out bc I've been so goddamn sick this whole pregnancy.

And I didn't call my mom today because she will stress me out more... But I really need my mom to tell me it's going to be ok.

(Which is also kind of making me cry bc I'm 41- and I still need my mom. Makes me really hope that my daughter feels the same way about me when she's grown and flown...)

I don't know what I'm looking for here other than just to get it out of my head... Maybe that will be enough to let me sleep tonight.