I turn 29 soon

I turn 29 soon. I am a scientist. I work for a government that pays me well. I have two-hundred thousand dollars in my bank account. I am told I am successful by all “meaningful” metrics. I am deeply unhappy.

I sit at work. I hear people regale. I listen. I hear the lives they led. I hear how fun it all was. I don’t add anything. I have nothing to add. I haven't lived. I am deeply unhappy.

I think about my life. I am despondent. I did everything right. I did as I was told. I chased hit after hit of "success". I was a rat in a cage being fed narcotic food pellets every time I did something “good”. I was deeply unhappy.

I turn 29 soon. I was never young and dumb. I had too much pressure on me. I lived too much in my own head. I took everything too seriously. I made everything life and death. I thought if I just accomplished X and Y and Z I would somehow wake up happy one day, and that all my struggle and strife would have repaid me with some kind of great social/economic reward. I was wrong. I am deeply unhappy.

I threw myself at my courses in college. I had a 3.9 GPA. I never drank. I never socialized. I never spoke to a girl. I never had sex with a girl. I graduated. I didn’t know what to do. I went to grad school. I was told "that's what smart scientists do". I repeated everything for another 2 years. I was deeply unhappy.

I graduated. I was a “master”. I took a job I didn’t want. I lived alone. I was alone. I saved up all my money to pay off the loans I took out to be deeply unhappy. I am still deeply unhappy

I turn 29 soon. I chase the next hit. I don’t know what “it” is, I don’t know where “it” leads. I know “it’s” something new, but not better. I know “it’s” all the same. I feel too late. I am too old to go back and do all the things everyone else got to experience when they were young and stupid. I never got to be young and stupid. I wanted to be old and smart. I am old and smart. I am deeply unhappy.

I sit here. I don’t know where to go. I thought I did everything right. I am deeply unhappy