living is unbearable

ok but literally what the fuck do you even do with your life when you were planning on killing yourself as a teenager but have somehow made it to adulthood..? feels like everyone else got a handout on how to do life while i’m stuck in the mud or something. sometimes i think it would’ve been better if i had a shitty life or had shitty things done to me just so i could just get it over with easier without feeling guilt.