i feel like i'm not gonna turn out well

idk how to write good titles. also first post here yippee

i feel like i'm not really making use of my school time. i'm pretty good when it comes to academics, i'm confident i could do well even without much studying. like if i tried i'm certain i could get a 3.9. but that's the problem to me, it's like all i can do is academics.

i feel like everyone around me is more 'mature' than me. like they're all doing this and that leadership thing and whatnot and going for this and that competitions or events. and they do invite me and encourage me to join but i don't want to. i realise that these sorts of events could be good for me in that it can help me grow or learn but i'm just not interested. there's a balance between "good for portfolio/future" and "fun" and it seems to tip away from the "fun" side alot of the time.

it's gone to the point where i think i'm fucked because all i can really offer is "i did gud in skool" and i'm worried, seeing how everyone else stacks other events, positions, experiences and builds their portfolio. and recently i've thought about ending it all (yea in *that* way) because i think i'd be useless. i know it's stupid because academics doesn't exactly mean nothing, but idk man... the only reason i don't honestly is because my parents are alive, i don't want to have them outlive me, i know it's traumatising. and they've dumped so much money and time and energy to raising a kid, i don't want them to see it go to waste. i genuinely think if they died i'd follow suit. i know it's a nuclear option and why i'm trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me, why i'm just so demotivated to do stuff that'll probably be good.

and it's not like i have a hobby that's enriching either all i do is play games at home lol. i've tried picking up things like piano, drawing, etc. but i've ended up dropping them. i'm just really worried that i'll only have good academic performance and nothing else.

maybe i chose the wrong course? but i am pretty interested in the modules. of course there's a few modules where i'll nod off while reading the notes but for the most part i think i'm interested.

maybe it's the way i was raised. my parents are good, they don't care what grade i get and just encourage me to do my best. i've only been given a tutor once and that was in primary/secondary cause my chinese is dog. this june i've been out alot, doing cca, doing a pt job, recently i attended a 2 day course for this competition. and they've told me to chill out and that since it's june, i shouldn't be doing so much and instead actually rest. and they've been nice parents. but sometimes i feel like i didn't get enough attention? that they've just plopped me infront of an ipad or computer and let me entertain myself. i think i ended up being an attention whore, i remember in primary school acting stupid and being fucking annoying to everyone. and whenever i think about dying i always think "how would so and so react" and think about streaming it to garner attention lol.

my parents' philosophy that i shouldn't stretch myself too thin vs other peoples' parents setting high expectations and stuff, leads to me having been raised to be content with just being good academically while my friends who've been conditioned to force themselves to do better starts to rub off on me.

tangent: sometimes i wonder if i have autism or something because of how "out of place" i feel in social situations. i don't know how talk to people, and i always preface any statement with "i think" or end them with "probably". and whenever i make statements or make jokes it always feels like i didn't read the mood. i'm always worried i'll bore people so i end up being introverted, preferring to keep to myself or if possible, go out in groups of 3 or more because i'm scared it'll be a shitty experience to sit down and talk with me and just me.

i chose to write to internet strangers instead of my friends because i think dumping this shit on my friends is pointless and probably a waste of time, i'm not exactly friends with a group of licensed therapists xd. and i feel like it'd pressure them to say something in response because of how heavy this kinda gets.

i feel like i'm shouting into the void. i'd probably be better off doing that honestly, i think no matter what advice i get from this i'll probably still feel really down haha. sometimes i wonder if i have depression because of how unmotivated i feel, but thinking that makes me feel like some 14 year old who thinks having mental illnesses is cool and tries to self diagnose for attention lol. maybe i am, i wanna have depression so i'll at least know the answer.

i'm getting really vague in this post (like i don't say my course or sch) because i do NOT want anybody ik seeing this man. heavy stuff like this is so hard to explain and i've always been scared to share my problems because i feel like they're nothing compared to others who may be struggling financially or are getting abused or whatever.

uhh if this is a bad sub to post this i'll probably dump this in a better sub, any suggestions are welcome.

tl;dr: i'm good at nothing but academics, unmotivated to do other activities, worried it'll fuck me over, wondering if it was the way i was raised or if i have mental problems that makes me unmotivated